What Should You Do with Your Life?
What to do when you look in the mirror and think, "now what?"
Look, I don't know.
I used to think finding the answer to this question was the key to happiness, in work at least. What should I do with my life? If I could answer that, I’d have it all figured out. I’d be content, focused, productive, wealthy, good-looking, and always progressing, moving towards the next best thing.
This is clearly a myth. And, in fact, I don't think the answer to this question is as important as the question itself and how it can shape our thinking about work. If you're not a grammar wonk*, bear with me a minute here...
Let’s start with the word 'should.'
'Should' is a modal verb, which is a funky little part of speech used to convey necessity or possibility. Other modal verbs you know and love are words like: must, shall, will, would, can, could, may, and might.
In my estimation, 'should' is doing a whole lot of work here. The primary definition of 'should' is to "indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions." So, when we're asking or wondering what we should do with our lives, there is an implicit assumption that a) there is a right answer, b) we have a duty to do certain things (or to do things in a certain way), and c) we can get it wrong, and getting it wrong is bad.
Furthermore, 'should' is conveying the subjunctive mood here, which characterizes verbs that express what is "imagined or wished or possible." I think of this construction as something like the subjunctive ought - imagined conditions of obligation.
For example, if you feel like you need to do A type of work before pursuing the B type of work that really interests you, what is driving that logic? If you are unhappy/unfulfilled/depressed in your current work, but you feel like you can't make a change, what is driving that logic?
To be quite clear, obligations are not inherently bad. But I do think unexamined feelings of obligation can cause us to reason from an unstable footing.
A useful, if somewhat pedantic, way at digging into what may be unexamined obligations is to use the classic "5 Whys" exercise for getting at the root cause of a problem. For example:
"I can't make a change professionally right now" - why?
"The timing is bad for my family" - why?
etc.
It may not answer the question, but I've found pushing a bit on these beliefs can lead to some insight.
With the people I coach I often encounter feelings of obligation toward making a certain amount of money, concerns about what others will think of a decision, or fears about making a decision that's irreversible. Again, unexamined does not mean invalid, but better understanding the implicit logic that may be shaping thoughts and feelings about work can be like understanding which way the wind is blowing on a sailboat. Once you know that, you know how to set your sails.
Finally, and perhaps the most pernicious effect of 'should,' is that the question itself seems to squelch ideation. Even this simple reformulation "what could I do with my life," has a bit of lift in it, a feeling of creative potential.
And once you dredge up feelings of obligation - the shoulds - stepping back and considering what you could do, what you can do, may provide more insight into what's possible now.
*grammar wonks - this TED Talk on Grammar, Identity, and the Dark Side of the Subjunctive, a long time favorite of mine, provides a really interesting perspective on how grammar shapes our thinking.
***
A relevant exercise from Designing Your Life called "Odyssey Plans" encourages readers to consider different variations of what their lives could look like (p. 92-105).
The basic premise is that you write out a complete vision for "Life One," perhaps what you're already doing, and imagine how the next three to five years will play out in detail, the decisions you'll make, what you'll do and where you'll end up. Then, you imagine Life One is no longer possible, what would Life Two be? Then again with Life Three, but Life Three is what you would do if you completely ignore money and image.
It's an interesting game and a useful way of surfacing ideas. What is perhaps most interesting to me though is that it can reveal layers of values and how we may be prioritizing our lives based on the implicit and explicit obligations we may be carrying with us.